WARNING: This is my experience with SRA, DID, and the plan God gave me for overcoming. If you have experienced these things, ask the Lord Jesus if you should continue reading, for I don’t want this to trigger you. However, it may be what He uses to help you.
INTRODUCTION
The Lord Jesus Christ is truly the victorious Overcomer of sin, bondage and death! He has transferred me into His family, into the Kingdom of God. And yet, if I am to tell of my wonderful Savior and Lord, the Lion of the tribe of Judah who gives life and protects His own, I must also talk about the counterfeit lion who seeks to devour and destroy, for the threads of my story are interwoven between these two kingdoms as they both battled for my soul; just as they battle for all the souls of mankind. Most people don’t like to think about Satan, but we are in a war and must know our enemy’s schemes and tactics so that we can overcome in the name of Jesus of Nazareth by the power of His blood.
I am 60 years old and I gave my heart to Jesus when I was four. I have had to learn how to shut doors that I opened through my own sin, doors in my life that others opened through abuse and rituals, and doors that were opened through generational sin that was passed down to me.
In a nutshell, James 1:21 describes my story. “Therefore, lay aside all filthiness and remaining wickedness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word which is able to save your souls.” As I have chosen to turn from the sin in my life and to embrace Jesus of Nazareth, the living Word of God, He has engrafted Himself in me and has become my Soul Redeemer who rescued me from the clutches of the devil. Through His death and resurrection, Jesus has cleansed me from all my sin, and from all the sin that others have done against me according to 1 John 1:9b that says, “… the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.”
In Christ, I am not only a survivor, but an overcomer. The Lord Jesus has taken my wounded, soiled, fractured soul (my mind, will, emotions and subconscious), and has healed me spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. He has delivered me from demons and has made me whole. I have overcome Satan’s influence and deception, and I live to love, honor and glorify my Father in heaven. I am a new creation in Christ Jesus and He is continually fashioning me into His image. Praise God that this is the Lord’s plan for all of us! (John 16:33; 1 John 5:4-5; 2 Corinthians 5:17)
I am aware that there will be those who have a difficult time comprehending and even believing the things I am about to share. Therefore, I will give a brief explanation of the concepts I’ll be referring to, and I have included footnotes and resources at the end of this testimony. For the record, even though I have had a basic understanding of some of these things, I did not research these resources until after I recorded my testimony. I must say that it has caused a conflict of emotions within me. I am grateful to have the confirmation of my memories, but I also feel sorrow because of the realization that so many have suffered such atrocities. And I know that many more are suffering the same and even worse today.
HISTORY AND CONNECTIONS
Splitting the mind is a God given defense mechanism for protecting oneself from repeated trauma that is too great to handle.[1] The study of the human breaking point was not a new phenomenon, however, in WWII, the Nazis extensively experimented with trauma based mind control.[2] After the war, under the code name “Operation Paperclip,” some of those Nazi scientists were brought to the US by our government to teach them interrogation techniques,[3] which led to the CIA’s initiation of mind control program known as MK Ultra.[4] [5] [6] This program allowed government sanctioned experimentation on willing and unwilling human subjects. They used various means to break down a victim’s will, who were then trained and programmed to do certain tasks.[7] This technique was the beginning of the creation of super soldiers, controlled human beings as military weapons and spies. The Bourne movies are a good example of this type of programming, even though they have been “Hollywoodized.” Children were some of the most vulnerable victims of this programming.[8] [9] [13]
In the occult, Satanists also use this technique to create hidden parts or identities in people so that their minds can be controlled without their knowledge through Satanic Ritual Abuse, or SRA.[10] [11]
In my experience, I have found a connection between SRA and Freemasonry, and between SRA and MK Ultra. Almost all MK Ultra documents have been destroyed, and the few remaining are financial records so that there is little detailed information, but they do list the project’s 149 subprojects. Project Monarch is not specifically listed, however it is believed to be an umbrella project of several others to “hide the insidious reality” of it, such as Operation Spellbinder that created “sleeper” assassins, and Operation Often that employed the power of occult or demonic forces.[12] It is behavior modification through trauma based mind control that was used on intelligent, creative children between the ages of four and seven years old with a high ability to dissociate, involving torture, extreme and repeated trauma, and sexual abuse. “Project Monarch could be best described as a form of structured dissociation and occultic integration, in order to compartmentalize the mind into multiple personalities within a systematic framework. During this process, a Satanic ritual, usually including Cabalistic mysticism, is performed with the purpose of attaching a particular demon or group of demons to the corresponding alter(s).”[13]
It has been proven that there are strong ties between freemasonry and the occult,[14] and some choose to move into this even deeper hidden world of Satanism. Freemasonry at its core is Luciferianism. Many Masons in the lower degrees don’t recognize the cleverly disguised deception and never know the depths of darkness that they have bound themselves and their children to through masonic oaths and rituals. They falsely believe that Masonry is a Christian organization. It is not. Masonry does not promote worship of the one true God of the Bible. In the upper degrees, worship of Lucifer and other gods is common knowledge.
In the past, a person with mind splits or parts were said to have Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD), but it is now more commonly referred to as Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)[15]. Also, here are a few links for those interested in the False Memory Syndrome.[16] [17]
NO MORE SECRETS
I was programmed not to tell the things done in secret. Ephesians 5:12 seems to confirm that lie as it says, “for it is shameful even to speak of those things which are done by them in secret.” But this passage in context is actually saying, TELL IT!!! Ephesians 5:8-13 (MEV) says, “For you were formerly darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light— 9 for the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness and righteousness and truth—10 proving what is pleasing to the Lord. 11 And do not have fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness; instead, expose them. 12 For it is shameful even to speak of those things which are done by them in secret. 13 But all things are exposed when they are revealed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light.”
And so I am telling.
There are many who recognize these issues and who are beginning to speak out, however, a lot of the help that is being presented is psychological, devoid of the true healing and freedom in Jesus Christ. I must tell of the mighty power of God who rescues and redeems, and of the mighty weapons of warfare that can change us from victims into victorious overcomers! I don’t want to spend a lot of time talking about my experiences because that becomes an endless dark hole. But in order for you to understand what God has done for me and what He can do for others trapped in the silence of this bondage, I’ll try and tell just enough.
MY STORY
My dad’s uncle by marriage was a 33rd degree Freemason, involved in the occult. He began preparing me for marriage to Satan when I was three years old. Through sexual stimulation and then inflicting excruciating pain, he traumatized me, causing my mind to split and creating another “part” inside my mind that was hidden behind a wall of dissociation. By doing this, he was able to call out “Munchkin,” as he named her, so that he would be able to do things that I would have no recollection of him doing, and so that he could make her do things that I would not remember doing.
My uncle appeared to be a Christian, a good family man, a successful businessman, and he was well liked by all who knew him. My dad knew he was a Freemason, but at that time, he had no understanding of the truth behind Freemasonry, and so he saw no need to protect me from someone he loved and admired.
My dad was a pastor, and unbeknownst to him at the time, Uncle assigned a college girl involved in the local coven to attend my dad’s church. Marilyn won my parent’s trust, and then asked if she could take me shopping for the day. They agreed because they were clueless. But instead of shopping, she took me to a satanic ritual to be married to Satan where Uncle was presiding. It was in the basement of an apartment building not far from our house. I was four years old.
In talking about Satanic rituals, I’ve had people tell me that human sacrifice is not done anymore. But I know the truth. I’ve experienced it. It’s like everything that Christians believe and do in holy worship of God, they do the exact opposite in twisted, perverted, defiling worship of Satan. I believe that those who do not survive SRA have been intentionally used as sacrifices. Many of these come from the foster system; some are runaways, some are kidnapped; and then there are babies that have been born to breeders within the coven for this purpose. Those who do survive SRA have been intentionally chosen to survive, to carry alters or parts that have been programmed with specific jobs and assignments.
For clarification, when I say “they,” I’m talking about Satanists, Luciferians, and agents who purposely split the mind using mind control and programming. They have sold their soul to the devil. They have the mindset, agenda and goals of the antichrist and will use whatever means works best to accomplish their purposes. They do not look like the monsters they are, in fact they look like normal people, many in high places in society, and some in religious positions. They hide in plain sight and their acts are often done in plain sight by using programmed children to carry out their shameful deeds. No one suspects little children of murder, and they are practically undetectable.
However, I must say that God loves all people, and only He knows the minds and hearts of those who do these evil deeds. Some of them are but slaves; tormented individuals, acting out of programming, hopelessly bound by chains to the devil. We must pray that the Holy Spirit will be able to reach them and save their souls.
THE MARRIAGE RITUAL
I believe that the marriage ritual is a spiritual contract that binds a person to Satan, and that gives him an open door to their soul; in this case mine. It was 1965. The norm was to drug the victims, but I couldn’t function under that influence. Even though I did not understand what they meant at the time, I remember hearing them call me an “enigma,” for I had a high ability to dissociate without drugs. They created other splits and programmed parts with separate identities in my mind to hide all memories and traces of the ritual and Uncle’s involvement.
To begin the wedding preparations, they baptized me in human urine and feces, the opposite of the pure water of Christian baptism. There was a crying baby on a stainless steel table. It was sexually molested and they involved me in that. Then a knife was placed in my hands. Uncle stood behind me and wrapped his hands around mine. We stabbed that poor baby in the heart. Sometimes they torture and kill more babies and little children by various means and purposes in a ritual. Torture, pain, violence, sex and death attract and summon demons and their power.
After the baby was killed, they made me drink its blood and eat its flesh in unholy communion. For years I thought that I killed that baby and held guilt and shame for it. It is common for children to take responsibility for abuse, but that is one of the lies that Satan uses to keep us in bondage.
There was classical music playing, and chanting and speaking in unholy tongues as more demons and evil spirits were invited to participate and inhabit them. I could feel the evil in the room. They removed their clothes and began engaging in sexual orgies. I was then dressed in a beautiful, white wedding gown and placed in a circle. Uncle came into the room wearing a purple robe with a hood. All the other people had dressed themselves in black robes with red lining. He stepped into the circle and as he removed the wedding gown, a monster, like a giant reptile came out of the circle in the floor, and I saw it stand beside Uncle. It merged with him until he seemed to became the monster who raped me in consummation of the marriage. I don’t know what other people saw, but that is what I saw.
They have ways of controlling you and keeping you in fear so that you don’t tell. One way is to threaten death. They killed another baby and told me that if I ever told, they would kill me or my family like they killed the baby. Shame of the atrocity and fear of it being found out keeps us silent. Fear from threats keeps us bound to the silence. One of the odd things that can happen in any kind of abuse, is that a soul tie is formed between the victim and the abuser, and it is a very confusing feeling. Like love and hatred at the same time. It’s like a bond of loyalty that no matter how much you hate it or the person, you won’t go against them. One hard thing for victims is that there is usually no evidence. All of this sounds surreal and we don’t want to even believe it ourselves.
I’ll tell you one of the ways Uncle kept me submissive as a child. He and my aunt gave me one of my older cousin’s dolls that she had outgrown. It was a large doll that was as big as I was at the time, and if you stood behind her just right, she could walk. After the marriage ritual, Marilyn asked my mother for one of my dolls that she could fix up as a gift for my fifth birthday. She chose the large walking doll, of course. I believe that was Uncle’s intention all along. She dressed it in a bridal gown, the same one I had worn at the ritual, and brought it to me. I hated what she had done to the doll from the moment I saw it even though I consciously didn’t know why, and I didn’t want to touch it. But Mother thought she was beautiful and so the doll was stationed in a corner of my bedroom standing guard. This doll had been infused by demons, and at night, if I looked at her, I would see a knife in her hand raised threateningly at me, and there were times it seemed that she would walk over to my bed and stand over me, reminding me that I must never remember, never tell.
DISSOCIATION
Dissociation is a fascinating and disturbing thing. The walls of dissociation were so strongly in place, that I didn’t know that Uncle had given me that doll. A few years ago I finally thought to ask my parents where it came from. When they told me it was from Uncle, I felt almost in shock. Here was validation to my memories. But dissociation, like a thick wall of brain fog set in and covered up that information. Some time later, I asked my parents if they knew where that doll came from, and when they told me, it was like I could kind of remember hearing it before, and then the brain fog, not quite as thick as before, covered it back up. The third time I wondered about the doll, I knew that I had asked but just couldn’t remember the answer. This time when they told me, I was able to keep the fog away and to remember.
When every ritual is over, they clean you up and send you home, and you have no recollection of what you just went through. But certain things bleed through to consciousness.
For instance, during the marriage ritual, they sliced my ring finger with a sharp knife to mark me as Satan’s bride for life. Several years later when I slammed my finger in the car door, in my mind I could see myself holding my finger up and asking Marilyn what would happen if my mother asked me about the cut. I could hear her telling me to say it got shut in a car door. That trigger caused a memory and great fear. I still carry the scar, but it now reminds me of the redeeming power of Jesus’ blood. Then there were smells, one in particular that would assault me at times and seem to be stuck in my nose. I now know it was a body memory, recalling the smell of burning human flesh. Another smell that would occasionally accost me was the smell of a sweaty man. I would turn to see who it was, and of course no one was there.
Over time, they continue to create parts that they can manipulate, control and program with certain assignments. But before they can program parts, they must set the power of dissociation in place by completely breaking down the will of those parts. All this is done through trauma and torture. My will was first broken when I was locked inside a body bag with a cold, stinky corpse. If a person’s programming ever begins to break down and the up-front person begins to remember, programed parts will try to cause them to self-destruct or commit suicide. Demons are also attached to each part so that the part has demonic power to accomplish the assignments given to it, and to hold them in place so that if they begin to remember or rebel, they are disciplined with torment. In my experience this manifested through certain autoimmune disorders, almost all of which have now been healed.
A boy named Willie was one part of my mind that they split and programmed to kill me if I began to remember. But as I grew up and Willie saw that the power of Jesus was greater than Satan’s, he changed his name to Will-he, as in the question, Will-he kill her? (meaning me). When I consciously became aware of him, he told me that he chose not to kill me and that He wanted to serve Jesus instead. So I took Will-he to Jesus who renamed him William, then took him into His service as a warrior for His Kingdom. I never saw William again.
Unlike demons, parts are a broken piece of the mind or a mental program and cannot be cast out. They must be redeemed, trained in righteousness, set free and healed. This is why it is so important for each part to choose Jesus, for when they renounce their old assignments, the demons loose their power and can be cast out. Casting out the demons assigned to a part before they choose Jesus will most likely be ineffective, for the part will allow them back in. Retraining the mind in truth results in wholeness, healing and freedom.
Speaking of self-destruction, if the parts fail, demons will try to fulfill their assignment. There was a period of time when I was dealing with memories that I was relentlessly bombarded with self-destructive thoughts. I became anorexic while at the same time, a constant barrage of suicidal thoughts wore me down. I became fearful that I might actually concede and desperately sought God for help. Once I realized that death was the opposite of my own desires, the Lord revealed this was coming from demons. He told me to renounce the spirits of anorexia, self-destruction and destruction of others. I did, and immediately, my mind was released. All thoughts of suicide and death were gone, and within five minutes I was able to eat.
After the first ritual when I was four years old, even though I didn’t remember it specifically, I knew I needed help. My dad had said that Jesus helped people, so I told him that I wanted Jesus to come into my heart and he led me in a prayer of salvation. I truly believe that even though God didn’t stop the abuse, the SRA, and later the assassination training, He was with me, protecting my soul from being fully turned over to Satan. I believe this is why I was able to “go rogue” and did not do many of the things I was programmed to do later in life. I also believe that God helped me to honor a commitment I made when I was fifteen years old. I had just heard about child abuse for the first time, and they said that victims often became abusers. This terrified me because even though I didn’t have conscious memories of abuse, my subconscious or other parts were screaming at me in fear. I didn’t want to hurt my children or continue a cycle of abuse. I committed to do whatever it took for me to break the cycle.
DID, PARTS AND MEMORIES
As an adult, even though my heart belonged to Jesus and my spirit was free in Christ, much of my soul was held captive in a prison of despair. I was broken. I had learned to dissociate as a defense mechanism, and besides programmed parts, there were parts that I had split off that held other traumatic memories and emotions.
When my friend Donna Carrico works with victims, she describes the person’s mind as a circle that has been cut into pie shaped pieces, each representing a part. The many pieces of my mind varied in size. My conscious up-front part that lived my every day life made up about 30% of the circle. This part was generally happy. I have many good memories with my family and friends, and I am thankful for these. Until my programming began to break down, my world was pretty perfect as I saw it, and I didn’t have any problems. I remember saying that nothing bad or unusual ever happened to me. I didn’t recognize the symptoms that said otherwise such as the nightmares, the crying spells, the depression, the suicidal thoughts and attempts, the unexplainable physical signs and issues, the abnormal sexual feelings for a child, the unusual over-reactive fears, the occasional loss of time, the words like “necromancy” that would play over and over inside my head even though my conscious mind didn’t know what they meant, and the hidden voices inside my mind that would talk to me at certain times.
What would appear as abnormal thought patterns or behaviors to most, these were not evident to me. For instance, several years ago, my son gave me a knife set that sat on the kitchen counter for Christmas. This was a milestone for me because until that point in my life, I had always been fearful of what I might do when I was asleep and my guard was down. Before I would go to bed, I always made sure the kitchen knives were put away in their exact place inside a drawer. I was afraid that if they were sitting out, then something in me might hurt someone with them in the night. I didn’t realize that this was not normal. The hardest thing for me to deal with has not been what was done to me, but facing and dealing with things programmed parts of me have or may have done to others.
There were several systems inside my mind. Some knew each other and worked together, and some were totally separate and unaware of the others. Some of my parts were stored in boxes in a closet inside my mind. Then there were other parts that were organized in a filing cabinet in my mind. I specifically remember being in a situation at work when I was 19 years old, and my boss made a pass at me. Instead of walking away, I began flipping through those files looking for someone who would know how to deal with the situation. “Bad” was chosen to handle things. The next thing I knew, three hours had passed and I was walking through the parking lot to my car for a lunch break. I didn’t remember what had happened, but I was upset. Years later, as I became aware of Bad and Jesus transformed and renamed her, there came a point when the walls of dissociation broke down and I knew what I had done during those three hours.
As an adult, I was riddled with fear, depression, emotional pain and anger, and the defenses that had once protected me began interfering in my day-to-day life. After 11 years of marriage, I was finally secure enough in my relationship with Jim and in my relationship with God that I could allow the memories to come. I thought I was going crazy when I began having flashbacks, seeing horrific snapshots and sometimes video clips in my mind that I didn’t understand; and hearing and even seeing a child (a DID part) inside my mind. At that time, God had placed a friend in my life named Lynn. I was desperate enough to tell her what was happening to me even if I got put in a mental institution.
Lynn recognized repressed memories and assured me that I wasn’t crazy. Together we embarked on the weirdest, most horrible and wonderful journey of my life as hidden parts of my mind began making their way to the forefront of my consciousness. I could see and hear them as if they were separate people from myself and each other. They varied in ages and appearances, likes and dislikes, experiences and emotions, opinions, personalities, and abilities. Sometimes there would only be one part present, but sometimes there were two or three present at once. I could usually feel each one of their emotions, which could be quite overwhelming. There would be times that a certain part was “out,” and even though I was aware of what was going on, I would be experiencing life through her perceptions and filter. I remember how one evening when I was feeling like a four year old, I pulled a chair over to the kitchen cupboard because even though I could have easily reached it, in my mind at that time I was experiencing life as a tiny girl who could not reach it.
Because my own mind was in such turmoil, I learned to cling to 1 Corinthians 2:16 that says, “we have the mind of Christ.” And because Lynn had taught me to stay in control, during the times when others were up front in my mind, I was consciously aware of what was going on and was still monitoring and controlling their actions with the Lord’s help. At times, parts would give me their memories by telling me what had happened to them. Because I am a writer, many times they would share their story with me as I was writing. And sometimes I would relive their memories in dreams. Other times I would hear snippets of conversations from the past replaying and could often see it happening inside my mind. But I would almost always feel their emotions, sometimes even before I knew they were there.
Because I was afraid of being overcome with the flood of emotions and felt like a weakened dam ready to break, I gave the keys of my memories to Jesus and chose to trust Him to bring them up in His time and way. When the memories or a part was brought into my consciousness, I followed the plan that helped me work through each memory and emotion, and that demolished demonic strongholds.
MY PLAN for OVERCOMING
The most important thing that Lynn taught me to do was to dive wholehearted into the truth of God’s Word that would set me free from the lies of the enemy because all of my bondage was linked to deception. She helped me come up with a plan so that when a memory, emotion or a part came up, I knew what to do. She taught me to call out to Jesus first of all, to go to the Bible for truth and guidance, and to rely on the Holy Spirit to be my strength and power so that I could act on the truth rather than the feelings, which housed lies. As an adult who was in Christ, Lynn taught me that I needed to stay in control so that I would not be manipulated by other parts who were influenced by emotions, false perceptions, and by demons.
Lynn and Jim were my safe people and I could tell either one of them what was going on inside me. I am very grateful that when a part was up front in my mind and may have even been acting out, Lynn and Jim always spoke directly to me, the adult, as this helped me to stay in control. Not many people knew about the things I was going through, but a friend who knew a little decided to talk with one of my parts. This frightened me because communicating directly with her seemed to give her a feeling of power and control. I had to ask that person to speak directly to me, and explained that I would interact with the part as needed. For others to deal directly with parts was like validating my sense of separateness, and I believe Lynn and Jim’s wisdom in not engaging with parts helped in the overall process of integration, for in truth, they were me.
It was always hard when a new part would pop up because it was difficult and painful to come to grips with accepting this new, terrifying reality. Each part brought more ugly, traumatic, painful memories. Jesus would always tell me that I didn’t have to accept them, but if I didn’t, I would continue to be stuck in bondage and pain, whereas, if I chose to accept the truth, He would heal me and set me free. I discovered that it wasn’t what had happened to me that was the problem, rather it was what I had come to believe because of the experience that held me captive. I found that dealing with the demons was actually easier than renewing and retraining my mind. But I also realized that without doing my part which allowed the Holy Spirit to continue His sanctifying process in me, the demons would work their way back in.
God had prepared my parents for understanding what I was going through. As a pastor/counselor, a woman had come to my dad for help that was an SRA survivor. So when I told them what was happening, they were able to be supportive. My dad had discovered Neil Anderson’s Freedom In Christ Ministries, specifically The Steps to Freedom in Christ, and these steps became a large part of My Plan for Overcoming which in a nutshell was to:
- Call on Jesus and take the memory to Him
- Face the Truth
- Tell a Safe Person
- Experience the Pain
- Minimize the Memory, Maximize the Victory
- Confess Your Part to God
- Forgive
- Renounce the Strongholds
- Break Ungodly Soul Ties
- Allow Yourself to Grieve
- Ask God for Healing and Restoration
- Learn How to Respond in godly Ways
God put me back together piece by piece as I chose to go through the process. I have stopped assuming that I am “done” after every healing victory. The focus has become keeping my eyes on Jesus and trusting Him to lead me. I’ve been through this process so many times that I know what to do if other memories come. I know the power of God to overcome, and the hope, healing and freedom in Jesus Christ that enables me to live victoriously as an overcomer.
INTEGRATION
Every person will experience DID differently, but I believe that the key to complete healing and integration is to trust in, rely on, and obey the Holy Spirit and the Word of God. In my experience, most of my parts were integrated as dissociation broke down and I went through the process of healing and deliverance. There were some parts, however, that Jesus chose to take care of for me, like William. I can’t explain why some were integrated and others were not. I will share what this process looked like for me.
I never went to a psychologist/psychiatrist, and never took meds. I am not saying that is wrong, it is just not my experience. I learned that I must always and immediately take the parts to Jesus and give them to Him. If He accepted them, then I had to make the choice to accept them, and when I did, He would usually give them back to me to train up. I would work with them just as if I was working with a traumatized child, accepting them, loving them, and teaching them to replace the lies they believed with the truth. I involved them in my daily life, and introduced them to Jesus by letting them watch me live with Him. Jesus would begin to interact with them and they would eventually come to trust Him and choose to love and serve Him. I took each one through the Steps to Freedom In Christ when they were ready. The power of the memories and programmed mindsets were broken and they faded over time as the lies were replaced with truth and as demons were cast out. At the right time, Jesus would ask each part to give up their old job, whether it was to protect me or to fulfill a programmed assignment, and He would give them a new job that would help us to be the whole person that He had created in the purpose He had created us for. As they understood the new job, they would agree, and soon after, it was like the wall that divided that part from my core part would disappear, and we would begin to blend and join together in one mind.
Integration wasn’t an instant fix. Usually, once the wall of dissociation was down in my mind that had separated me from a part, I would not see the part anymore, and I would not hear her distinct voice. But it took time for me to adjust to her memories, feelings and thoughts that were now my own. Over time, “she” and “we” became “me.” Now if I think about it, I can still identify feelings, thought patterns and behaviors that used to belong to parts, but I rarely think about it anymore. I am just me, made more whole with the integration of every part, just as God created me to be.
I learned the hard way that demons can imitate parts, and that I must be very careful not to accept them. Demons can show themselves inside the mind appearing like a part, and they can speak so that you hear them. Spiritual discernment is essential.
One morning I woke up to a swirling sensation in the room and a very evil presence. I heard a voice say, “I am a part of you and today is the day of destruction. After Jim goes to work, you are going to get the knife and slash your kids to bits, and you will utterly destroy everything in this home.” Because I was already fearful of what parts may have done that were destructive, I readily believed this spirit. I sat on the edge of the bed in despair. Jim was in the shower and the boys were still sleeping. I realized that I didn’t want to do this horrific thing, and so I ran to the phone and called Lynn. After tearfully explaining what I was hearing and feeling she asked, “Is that what Jesus would tell you to do?” “No,” I answered. She said, “Nancy, Jesus is in you, and that is not who you are in Christ. You need to renounce that voice and tell it to leave you in Jesus’ name.” I did just that, and immediately it was quiet in my mind. The fear and swirling sensation was gone. Praise God! Today my boys are grown and safe and love the Lord Jesus.
However, the demons do not always show themselves as evil. One day I saw Monique, a beautiful young woman inside my mind. She told me that she was a part that would help me to be beautiful, stylish and outgoing. Since I felt ugly, shameful and shy most of the time, this was a welcome temptation. After about two weeks, I realized that Jesus had not been talking to me, and I asked Him what was going on. Instead of answering, He asked why I had not taken Monique to Him. I had been so happy that I hadn’t even thought of it. So I took her hand and led her into the Tabernacle inside my mind where I met with Jesus. He didn’t look at her as He usually did with other parts. He looked directly at me and asked where she came from. I was suddenly gripped with fear that He would take her from me. I had grown attached to her and didn’t want to give her to Jesus as I had the other girls because even though He had always put them back inside my mind where they belonged, I was realizing that this girl was different. I was confronted with my heart’s desire, and I knew I couldn’t have both God and Monique. I let go of her hand and asked Jesus what He wanted to do with her. Suddenly, He lifted this demon up and threw it into a deep abyss, and as it fell, it burst into a ball of fire. If I had chosen to keep it, there is no doubt that integration with it would have led me to destruction.
PEACE
While dealing with DID parts can be frightening, confusing, frustrating and painful, I must say that the results of Christ’s transformation is truly fulfilling and results in peace.
Because “Bad” is such a great example of this, I’ll share a bit of our story. Bad was full of anger and rage. She was bent on destroying herself and anyone else that got in her way. She dressed in black leather, she carried an arsenal of weapons, smoked cigarettes, and her boyfriend was a large reptilian-looking demon. As a teen, Bad had gotten my body into trouble several times, and so she had been locked away in a prison inside my mind. When Jesus released her and told me to deal with her, my life took on a new dimension. It was very hard for me to stay in control of her because of her habits, beliefs and the intense feelings associated with her. Many times before I had been able to deal with parts without too much interference in my marriage, but Bad hated my husband! This caused me sorrow as my relationship with him was difficult, to say the least. One day when I took Bad into the Tabernacle, I told Him that I just couldn’t take this any more! He knew exactly what to do. He asked her to go for a walk with Him. She agreed, and by the time the walk was over, Bad had put her weapons down so that she could hold a puppy. Jesus explained that He had better armor than her black leathers, and that if she would follow Him instead of her boyfriend and allow Him to remove her old clothes and habits, then He would dress her in His new protective covering and give her new weapons that worked better. She agreed because for the first time, she was experiencing real love, which is what she had really wanted all along! Jesus gave her a new name, “Good,” because in His righteousness He began transforming her immediately as our mind began to be renewed.
You may be wondering why it is important to deal with parts. I’ve learned that lies hide in darkness. When there are parts that hold dissociated memories, there are lies and deceptive perceptions that subconsciously influence a person’s beliefs, and ultimately influence their attitudes, feelings, their will and behavior. All lies must be exposed. Darkness must be illuminated so that the Light of Truth can destroy the things hiding in the darkness. Demons attach themselves to lies and deceptive emotions. Every part that I have encountered has had demons attached to them. But praise God! Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ Jesus. He is greater than all principalities, powers, rulers of darkness and demons. In Christ, every one of my parts has been set free. I have been set free! If I had not become aware of the parts, or if I had chosen to ignore them, the demons would have continued to hold a place in my life, and to influence me is one way or another.
I will say however, that we may not need to know everything that has been hidden. This is why we must trust Jesus to bring up only what He knows we need to have exposed for the purpose of freedom and healing so that we can live to love, worship and serve Him with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength. He takes care of the rest.
In the middle of horrific emotional and mental turmoil and pain, I have truly had peace that passes all understanding that did guard my heart and my mind because I was in Christ Jesus, and I was being obedient to Him. He was and is my safe place. I remember one specific moment when Jim had driven me into town. I was sitting in the car looking around thinking that nothing looked familiar. I didn’t know where I was or who I was in that moment, but Jesus asked me a question. “Do you trust Me?” I answered from my heart, “Yes Lord, I know that You have led me to this place and You will help me through it.” And I was at peace. Betsy Ten Boom said, “The safest place to be is in the center of God’s will.” That has been and is true for me.
And yet, this has been the most difficult, long journey of my life, and any who want to walk this road need to know that it requires desperation, determination, commitment, perseverance and the desire to “be free or die” as Harriet Tubman said in the movie, “Harriet.” This must be the resolve of slaves of any kind, whether it is physical, spiritual, emotional or mental bondage, in order to make the journey to freedom. We must be willing to believe the truth we have tried to shield ourselves from; to die to self, to renounce and utterly destroy the old defense mechanisms or things we trusted in and relied on apart from Christ; and to trust our Shepherd and Guide, Jesus Christ, to the point that we obey Him and His Word even though it is hard work. Even when it doesn’t make sense or feel good. Even if we are being threatened or persecuted by the enemy.
FAITHFULNESS
I am so very thankful for the Lord’s everlasting faithfulness, and for the faithfulness of my husband. Even though Jim had no frame of reference for understanding what I was going through when the memories started coming into consciousness and the programming began to break down, he has been faithful. He continually encourages me with the truth of God’s Word and has loved me through it all for 39 years.
My greatest desire is to be faithful to my God. My greatest personal fear is that I won’t be able to remain faithful if I am ever in a position of persecution or torture. Jesus has restored my soul and He has made me whole. But I know the power of those servants of Satan who worship him wholeheartedly. His human and demon counterparts are his soul hunters, who hunt the souls of men, women and children, and who break them in pieces to make us slaves to sin and their evil purposes as described clear back in Ezekiel 13:18.
Therefore, I continually live to draw close to God and hide His Word in my heart daily. I live within the boundaries He has set up for my protection. I listen for His voice and obey Him, I continually choose to submit to my husband, I have several dear sisters in Christ that hold me accountable, I stand firm in my faith, and daily dress in His Kingdom garments and armor. I welcome the Holy Spirit’s examination process, and I want Him to expose any hidden part or sin that could possibly be an open door for the enemy (Psalm 139:23-24). I choose to believe in the power of the Holy Spirit at work in me, accomplishing what I cannot. I choose to believe the truth that Christ who is in me, is greater than the one who is in the world. I refuse to remain as a child living in fear and isolation, but to grow in my faith and trust in Christ.
By the way, Jesus has renamed all of my parts. For instance, Munchkin became Kadia, meaning pure, which is amazing for one who was so defiled with sin. And then one day not too long ago, He gave all of me one new name. Kadesh Barnea. Kadesh means holy sanctuary. It is incredible that holy God would come and live in me! Barnea means wilderness wandering. In the wilderness, God’s people chose not to obey Him when He first told them to enter the Promised Land, and so they were sentenced to forty more years of wandering in the desert. Now, as Kadesh Barnea, God’s holy sanctuary, I choose every day whom I will follow, whom I will serve. I believe that each of us are created to be a holy sanctuary for the living God, daily choosing to love, worship and serve Him.
Jesus has cleaned out the mess of my soul and spirit, and He now resides there as a safe place where I can meet with Him any time, place or situation. I am choosing to trust that I will be so used to living in His presence, that His presence will be the place where my soul will take refuge no matter what, even if my body is held in the grip of Satan himself.
The great power and love of God is what makes me a victorious overcomer. Because of His great love for all people, Jesus, the only begotten Son of God, willingly came to earth, lived a sinless life surrendered to His heavenly Father, died on the cross to pay the penalty for all sin, and then He triumphantly rose from the dead overcoming sin and death. He is now seated at the right hand of the Father where He intercedes for us. He has given His Holy Spirit to those who choose to “lay aside all filthiness and remaining wickedness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word which is able to save [their] souls” (James 1:21). Christ’s Kingdom is established in the hearts of those of us who love, worship and obey Him, and as such, we carry and promote the Kingdom of God wherever we are. Jesus is coming again soon to reclaim a pure and spotless Bride, His true Church, His people. All glory to God the Father, Jesus the Son and Holy Spirit, three in One.
A CHALLENGE
After hearing my testimony, you are not alone if you wonder how our loving God can allow such atrocities to happen. All I can say is that He is not a puppet master. God has given freewill to every person, and some choose evil. Every choice affects someone, and sometimes those choices hurt innocent people. However, the Lord Jesus is the great Redeemer! He takes what Satan meant for evil and uses it for the good of His Kingdom. Jesus came “to comfort all who mourn, to preserve those who mourn in Zion, to give to them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified” (Isaiah 61:2b-3).
Praise God that victims also have the ability to choose Christ Jesus and can overcome all through His power and authority. “For whoever is born of God overcomes the world, and the victory that overcomes the world is our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world, but the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?” (1 John 5:4-5).
Yet, they are out there waiting. Thousands upon thousands of them… waiting. Maybe even millions of boys and girls, men and women who have experienced SRA or MK Ultra, and many more entrapped by abuse of all kinds, hopelessly bound, being led like sheep to the slaughter. Now, in 2021, trauma based mind control continues on and is deeper and darker than ever before. But in addition to that, the enemy’s programmed agenda has worked its way into every home, family, business and personal life, and is effectively affecting the masses through technology and social media. This programming may not appear to be painful like that of Monarch victims, but the results are just as devastating, and maybe even more destructive.
My heart sorrows for those whom I understand so well, and I cry out with the Lord’s heart, ‘Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?’ I have to wonder. Where upon the earth is His heart of compassion for those who mourn from the depths of their being, for the helpless captives of the enemy? Where is His mouth that preaches the truth of the Kingdom of God, the good news of hope and freedom to such as these? Where are His hands that can minister healing? Where are His feet that are to carry the Prince of Peace to those in such despair? Where is the Church, the body of Christ?
Not every one is called to be boots on the ground, but we are all called to pray. This challenge is for me as well. Can we answer as Isaiah did? “Here am I, send me?“
Thank you for listening. If my story will give hope to even just one person bound up in this web of deception, or if it will help to educate people in this area and encourage more to pray, to cry out to God on behalf of these suffering such atrocities, then it is worth it. God loves us no matter what we have done or experienced. Whatever our situation, the truth is that Jesus Christ is our Soul Redeemer, Healer and Deliverer. He is our only hope.
“May the very God of peace sanctify you completely. And I pray to God that your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 24 Faithful is He who calls you, who also will do it.” 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24
RESOURCES
“MY PLAN: Hope, Healing and Freedom from SRA, etc.” can be found on my website, buriedtreasureunlimited.wordpress.com under SRA Awareness.
Neil Anderson’s FREEDOM IN CHRIST Ministries
“Uncovering the Mystery of MPD” by James Friesen
“FROM VICTIMS TO VICTORS” by David and Donna Carrico, fojcradio.com.
“THE SOUL REDEEMER, Book 1,” “THE SOUL REDEEMER, From Victim to Victor, Book 2,” and “THE SOUL REDEEMER, Kingdoms, Book 3,” by Nancy Bowser
“THE TAMEION CHAMBER” by Connie Stoffel
“Encounter THE LIVING WORD” by Nancy Bowser
FOOTNOTES
[1] Biola University, Journal of Psychology and Theology, Catherine Gould and Louis Cozlino, “Ritual Abuse, Multiplicity and Mind Control,” https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/009164719202000303 9-1-1992.
[2] Eve Lorgen, “The Fundamentals of Mind Control, Part 1, 8-27-2000, https://evelorgen.com/wp/articles/mind-control/trauma-based-mind-control/
[3] SM Group, David Salinas Flores, “Mind Control: From Nazis to DARPA,” 12-28-2018, https://www.jsmcentral.org/sm-physical-medicine/fulltext_smpmr-v2-1007.pdf
[4] Public Intelligence, “CIA Special Research Project Bluebird 1952 ,” 7-29-2012, https://publicintelligence.net/cia-bluebird/ This is a CIA document from 1952 on mind control.
[5] This is an actual document of the US Senate: New York Times, “PROJECT MK ULTRA, THE CIA’S PROGRAM OF RESEARCH IN BEHAVIORAL MODIFICATION—JOINT HEARING…of the Committee on Health and Human Resources,” August 3, 1977, https://www.nytimes.com/packages/pdf/national/13inmate_ProjectMKULTRA.pdf
[6] wikia.org (Military Wikia), “Project MK Ultra” https://military.wikia.org/wiki/Project_MKUltra
[7] WXXI News, “The CIA’s Secret Quest for Mind Control: Torture, LSD, and a Prisoner in Chief,” 11-20-2020, https://www.wxxinews.org/post/cias-secret-quest-mind-control-torture-lsd-and-poisoner-chief-0
[8] The Unz Review, “CIA Project MK ULTRA,” Larry Romanoff, 7-2-2020, https://www.unz.com/lromanoff/cia-project-mk-ultra/
[9] Jon Rappoport, “Mind Control Experiments on Children,” https://kenniscentrumtgg.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/mind-control-experiments-on-children.pdf
[10] Biola University, Journal of Psychology and Theology, James Friesen, “Ego-Dystonic or Ego-Alien: Alternate Personality or Evil Spirit?,” 9-1-1992, https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/009164719202000304
[11] “Uncovering the Mystery of MPD,” by James Friesen, on Amazon.
[12] Wikipedia, “Project MK OFTEN,” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_MKOFTEN
[13] Ron Patton, “The Evolution of Project Monarch, Nazi Mind Control,” https://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/sociopolitica/esp_sociopol_mindcon02.htm?fbclid=IwAR2kiqq8G-fr-x4npshM8ejD-yqWWtQKmKB0ryz7epe5D7hzP7F5yQNWNAs
[14] David and Donna Carrico, “The Egyptian, Masonic, Satanic Connection,” fojcradio.com, B4.
[15] “FROM VICTIMS TO VICTORS,” by David and Donna Carrico, fojcradio.com.
[16] “The Truth About False Memory Syndrome by James Friesen, 1996.
[17] ISSTD News, “The Rise and Fall of the False Memory Syndrome Foundation,” 1-21-20, https://news.isst-d.org/the-rise-and-fall-of-the-false-memory-syndrome-foundation/
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